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Archive for the ‘The Beginning’ Category

Testing..Testing

So we were at Cat and Mace’s house these past two nights, just hanging out. I got my first dose of Brittany since my zen-like moment. It was fine. Tonight and last night, though tonight was a little harder for reasons I have yet to dissect. But more than anything, I came to the conclusion that no matter what happens, John will always be accountable for anything he may do. So it’s really not on me to worry. If John really loves me as much as he says he does, then everything will fall into place. The only thing I’m afraid of is that I’m afraid by just kind of ignoring it and not caring, it may bubble up later and make me bitter, which is not such a good look. Definitely never in season.

Because honestly, I’ll never know how he’s like when I’m not there. I don’t know what things he permits to happen, what things they talk about, and how he really is. Hopefully he’s still same ol’ John when I’m there, but one can never be sure. All I know is that dirty jokes are pungent within that group, but then again most of my friends are full of dirty jokes and it’s not unusual. The old me, would have just considered this as flirting, or that they were interested in each other by making “flirty” suggestions. But dirty jokes are really with all our friends, even when I’m there, so it’s not that unusual. It’s just hard when he’s making these jokes with a very pretty, fun girl. And I’ll let you in on a secret, even though he says he’s not attracted to her, I’m still afraid he is. I really think there’s chemistry there and that they are attracted to each other, but there’s nothing I can do can I? I can just continue on loving him and hoping that he knows what he has, how good he has it with me, and that I do truly love him and want to make him happy. Again, just continue loving him, being happy, and if in the end we aren’t meant for each other, then we just aren’t. No ones fault.

I look at some of the people married today and wonder why they’re even together. I think sometimes people are inlove, but maybe they aren’t compatible. Can you be inlove with someone and be incompatible with them?

I guess what I’m afraid of is that John and I have been together for so long that we may still expect each other to be who we were when we started going out. So now, 6 years later, we have changed, and matured, and what we do is so different from what we used to be, and it’s quite different and a little unnerving. So do you accept the changes or do you desert because its no longer the same? I’m babbling. I’m just writing whatever comes to mind.

Anyways, hope you have a very safe and fun night tonight!!! ūüôā Happy New Year!

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Hmmmm….

Rationale:

I deserve to be happy and with someone that is absolutely inlove with me and only interested in me, even if that means John isn’t the one for me.

John deserves to be happy and with someone that can make him happy, even if that means I’m not the one that can make John happy.

I think I’ve been so caught up into thinking what this girl might do and how she may feel that I am no longer focusing on what’s essentially important: my happiness and John’s happiness. The thing is John is not mine. I do not own John. and John does not own me. We in turn, choose to be with one another. The fact is, there is no point in being in a relationship or trying so hard to hold onto something that will end. If it ends, then it will end. There is no amount of fighting or tears that will stop it. So for the mean time, for however long it lasts, I think it’s is definitely more important to enjoy each other’s company and just enjoy living life. Because that’s why, in the beginning, you “liked” that person; and then ended up falling inlove with that person; and then ended up marrying that person etc.

I think that as we get older, or stay longer within a relationship, we sometimes lose sight of what’s really important: joy and happiness with each other. Yeah fidelity is important for long term relationships, but although important, without joy and happiness, fidelity is nothing (fidelity does not necessarily mean joy and happiness, but joy and happiness may result in fidelity). What else do other people consider important in a relationship? Lol Fidelity and Happiness are important. Love? Some relationships withstand with just affection. Love to me is very important in a long-term relationship. Love cannot exist without joy and happiness. Trust. Yess…. trust is essential. Yes, trust is important. But if you find true joy and happiness, the trust should fall naturally because the other person would give you no legitimate reason to be unhappy or become suspicious. If you are suspicious and paranoid you are not happy. Intimacy. Yes some form of intimacy is important. Whether its a kisses, to hand holding, to intimate nights. Can you have intimacy without happiness? Would you want to have intimacy with someone you weren’t happy with? Lol. I wouldn’t think so. So I guess I’m just generally concluding that in order for a relationship to be on its way towards success, the relationship needs to maintain true joy and true happiness. Not feigned, or faked, or unhappiness shoved aside to say you are happy.

When I think about John, I do still get such a warm, giddy feeling within me. He makes me happy. There is no other man I want to wake up next to in the morning, no other man I want to make dinner for, or cry to, or celebrate with. He is such an incredible man and I am incredibly happy. I would be so fortunate to have him in my life for the rest of my life.

So please find your reasons to be happy and joyful. And if you simply can’t find it in your relationship, then you must either talk and work it out so you can find yourself back on the happy path, or find someone that is better for the both of you. If you end up breaking up, it’s not that you’re losing someone, but more that you’re searching for that true person that fits your puzzle piece just right. You can’t force it, no matter how you try. It may take a day of searching or half a lifetime, but don’t you think that even a single day with that one person that truly fits your puzzle piece is worth far more than a lifetime with bad mashups?

-A Bit Zen Like Today Jane

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I feel like this whole thing has just taken over my life. I feel like I’m happy most times, but whenever I see Brittany or I think about all the possibilities and what ifs, all that happiness is sucked away so quickly. I look at pictures that I take with family and I feel like the smile doesn’t reach my eyes anymore. Ugh… most of the time I am happy, just sometimes I’m completely devoid of it.

I want to just be happy, all the time, majority of the time, even if she is part of the picture; because the thing is, she is the sister of our good friend Cat, and Cat will always be like family to me and John. So she will never go away. So I either deal or I go away and lose John, but I just love John too much to let one stupid girl get in the way. One stupid, overly flirtatious, stupid girl. I hope she finds someone quickly…unfortunately she’s one of those girls that’s “dating around” right now and is no rush to commit (oh and might I add she’s older, loves younger guys that¬†make her laugh¬†but¬†makes her feel like she isn’t dating someone younger [my bf exactly: he is younger, goofy, and isn’t a dumbass immature kid]¬†and thinks a football player that LOOKS like my bf is totally hot, so excuse me for being a little paranoid), so everyone is fair game to her (taken or not.) I don’t want to think ill of her (yeah I know I’ve already called her stupid twice), because I think that thinking negatively about someone isn’t going to help me get over that person.¬†So maybe she is flirtatious, and if she flirts with John, then that’s all that it is, flirting right? And as long as John attributes that to her personality and doesn’t respond to it with actual feelings or intentions, then who cares? He gets an ego boost, thinks he’s a hotshot and comes home with me. But at part of me thinks that my man shouldn’t need that egoboost if I’m doing things right. But I guess its the same thing when someone “likes” my fb picture right? ahahaha

For those of you who know John, I think it’s easier to understand that he’s not the cheating type. And that’s never been my issue. John asked my why I’m so jealous then if I know he wont cheat. What I was afraid of was that he may not consider it cheating, but somethings they may try to do, that may be tame and may not be cheating, he’ll allow them to do it because he doesn’t think much of it. E.g. putting their arms around him. I don’t know about most girls, but to me, I want no one else holding my guy and I wouldn’t want my guy to be wanted to be held by someone else. I’m fine with over the shoulder because that’s comraderie, and I’m fine with even like Cat leaning against him (but that’s because Cat isn’t flirtatious,flirtatious [unlike her¬†sister Brittany]¬†and she’s always been warm and friendly to me). John asked me what I was worried with then. And I told him I was worried that these girls would try to hold him, or put his arm around them, or sit on his lap and him not doing anything about it because its not like they’re interested in him or anything. I asked him if he would feel comfortable with me sitting on other guys’ laps, or having guys hold me or put their arms around me. And he agreed that that’s something he wouldn’t feel comfortable with either (not that it’s happened with either of us, but seeing how flirtatious Brittany is and how possibly she’s attracted to him, I wouldn’t put it past her to actually try to be sneaky and pull one of those stupid flirty moves).

But anyways, I just want to be happy again and be happy in my relationship and in the love of my life. I want to have confidence with it all, with myself, with my boyfriend, with my relationship. Everything!!! I feel like I’ve changed a little bit since I thought about this (last night). Not a large change, but a shift. And little shifts here and there is good. I attribute it to my yearning to be truly happy and joyful. I’m so young. And to be so young and plagued with such an ugly feeling is such a waste of life. I want to start living again. So another step forward toward my happiness.

-Reaching for Joy Jane

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Fatty Talks

So I haven’t updated in awhile, but I guess I should get it down before I forget. I believe this happened on Saturday, maybe Sunday December 11? 12? It’s been awhile for sure.

Anyways, we were hanging out at a friend’s house and that one particular girl arrived there. She (that girl I was having a hard time befriending, name is Brittany) wasn’t overly friendly with my bf that night (I never gave my bf’s name, his name is John), but I keep feeling like she’s interested in him. Anyways, she didn’t do anything that night, but just the site of her sent me over the edge and my heart started pounding and I kind of just withdrew into myself for part of the night.

We leave the party and head home and I’m fairly quiet on the way home, making small talk with John here and there. But then I asked him if he ever deleted texts from Brittany just in case I ever came across his phone. He said no and asked me why. And then the floodgates open. I told him I just couldn’t do it. That I don’t think I could stay in the relationship anymore and that ultimately I’m just unhappy because I’m trying not to be jealous, trying to change my emotions and trying to pretend I’m not jealous of her or how she is around John. I told him maybe that at this point in his life, he needed to be single, on his own, and that we aren’t who we used to be (so wrapped up into each other because we were so young) and that now he is starting to get out there and meet people and be more social, whereas I have kind of done the opposite, maybe we are more inlove with what we used to be or what we think we still are but not with each other as it is today. If that makes any sense.. I feel like I’m rambling right now. Anyways, I gave him an out. I told him I’m just possessive. That’s just how I am. And it’s not like I’m like this with every girl he meets. I’ve only been like this with Brittany now, and a girl previous before Brittany because I really believed she had a thing for John, and John was just too nice to see it. And I told him that. I have no issue with John hanging out with his school buddies or going out to bars with his school buddies that are girls, its just Brittany and the previous girl don’t know boundaries and since they are so “hip” and “fun” and single, they think its ok to just be all crazy around every guy and talk any way they want to every guy and pretend every guy is okay to hit on. And because that’s their personality, he thinks its just the way they are and to not think twice about it. But I told my boyfriend that I want my man to only want to have me flirt with him and him flirt back with him. I want my man to be so inlove with me that he doesn’t even look twice at another girl or even respond when another girl flirts with him.

I told him that’s exactly how I feel about him. There is no other guy out there that I want to flirt with, that I want to pay attention to. He is my man and I want to show him that he’s the only one for me. He said he’d stop “flirting” with them. His argument was that he thought it was okay because there was no intentions behind it. He said it’s not that he’s interested in them or anything he just felt like it was more of a joke. But I told him that I don’t see much humor in it and I don’t understand why they cant joke about normal things and that in the end it just made me uncomfortable.

I was so unhappy, with everything. But throughout the whole thing he held me, and let me cry, and blubber, and listened to me. In the end he told me that when he goes and hangs out with the group that Brittany hangs out with, its not for them but for two of our other friends. Brittany kind of just comes with the package because she’s siblings with one of our other friends. Anyways, that’s not important.

He told me, like he has a million times (and still saying it), that he loves me and that he wants to be with me. At one point I told him maybe I just don’t know who I am anymore without him because he defines a very large portion of my life. And I told him maybe I just need to be on my own, and he said if I needed it he’s ok with it, as long as I came home to him.

Anyways, we kind of figured it out. I still don’t like Brittany, I don’t trust Brittany, and I really don’t want to see Brittany’s face. Like right now, John is hanging out at our two friend’s house (Their names are Cat and Mace) (I’m currently out of state) and she’s there, and my heart is hammering, and I haven’t replied to John’s text that Brittany and that previous girl, Mary (the girl that I think had a crush on him too), are there hanging out too.

 

I just want to find my place in all of this. I want to find comfort and safety and peace. I want to find joy in living and in life and in being inlove with the greatest man I’ve ever met.

-Hopeful Jane

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I think for so long I’ve tried so hard to “control” whether these girls will hit on my boyfriend or flirt with him or do things that in the end would hurt so bad to find out. Hence, me trying so hard to befriend them. It’s not something that’s new, but you can’t control what other people do, or what your boyfriend does, or what happens, no matter how hard you try, how much you dwell on it, how frikken aggravated you get. And it doesn’t help I’m anticipating that something might happen so I’m just that more paranoid and upset.

But then I remind myself of just how happy I am in my relationship, how he hasn’t done anything thus far to make me question him, and that he loves me. What I’m afraid of is them doing something that puts him in a compromising position (e.g. sitting on his lap, putting their arms around him [and I know this is pretty tame but still just the thought of it makes my heart race])¬†and he can’t really just be mean and shove em off ¬†because they are his friends and he wants to give them the benefit of the doubt that they aren’t doing anything more than just being friendly (there haven’t been any lap sitting yet thank god!). Wow…. a lot of pressure just kind of released itself from me. I really think that’s where my uncomfortable feelings come from. That in the end, she’ll be too flirty, he wont stop it because he’s being too nice, and he’ll tell me and it’ll hurt. The thing I can always count on is his honesty and his attempts to be friendly and fun yet still keep it platonic between his friends. And again, that’s all I can ask for. I would never ask him to stop hanging out with his best friends, nor would I just plainly say you can’t touch them–because that would just be pretty lame.

So I’m a bit more comfortable today. My good friend said that even if they flirted with him it doesn’t matter. I think what got me was that despite me being the love of their best friend, they have no respect for me if they went and flirted with him. And that aggravated me to no end. But who cares if they like me or not or whether they flirt with him because my hubby loves me and at the end of the day I know HE respects me and that he is coming home with me.

Its just about reminding myself about this, and feeling truly comfortable with it rather than just trying to push it backwards or pretend I’m ok. It’s hard…yeah and I have to check myself once in awhile and really really really rationalize when my imagination runs wild, but I’ll get there!

-Jealousy Jane Is Settling Into The Notion

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Progress?

I have my fair share of positive thinking where I’m actually okay with that thought of him hanging out with that girl when I’m not around, knowing that he ultimately is with me, and if she tried anything I know he would stop it. But then I also have my fair share of negative thinking too like what if he thinks its ok that she puts her arms around him, or that she leans her head on his shoulder because they’re friends, and it’s not really like they’re doing anything? And then scenarios just start building in my head and I think how hurt I would be¬†and my brain just explodes. and then I kick myself mentally and remember what he has said to me before, and then I’m just that much stronger and I remember that he still smiles so sweetly at me and that he is still as loving and attentive as always.

But I’m experiencing one of those bad trips, and am in the process of trying to get better. Time. Sucks….. I gave another girl about 2-3 months and then I was finally okay with that thought of her hanging out with my boyfriend. This new girl? Still within the first month. Only 1-2 more! But this girl is worse…major worse… so much more flirtatious and believes she’s the shit. Ugh….

One step…keep on moving forward.

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So I noticed that whenever I drink, I have a tendency to say things that I don’t usually mean or care about. Alcohol has a way of increasing your emotions by ten fold lol. So please, if you have been imbibing, please shut your mouth because you may regret what you say. Which I did, though it was very minute and unimportant.

Story:

I went out with a few friends because they were in town for Thanksgiving. My boyfriend decided to hang out with a guy friend of his and just play video games for the night. Anyway, the night wasn’t great, waited too long for something that wasn’t that good; but it was neat hanging out with my girls for a little bit. So my boyfriend picked me up (NO DRINKING AND DRIVING!!!) and we went home. On the way home I told him how long we waited and that I ended up texting one of his girl friends that was suppose to meet us not to even come anymore because the wait was ridiculous. After I told him I text her, he told me that they invited him to go out. I don’t know why I got upset, I’m blaming the alcohol here, but I did. My heart jumped and I’m thinking why did she invite you? So I asked him if the other girl that’s been all over him lately asked him to go out and he said no.

But that’s where the alcohol came in. The whole jumping to jealousy right away! Over him being invited to hang out with friends. So lame. I apologized of course. So lesson learned: shut your mouth when you’re happy drinks happy! Because you may revert back to that ugly ol monster when you don’t intend to.

-Calming Down On the Happy Drinks Jane

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