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Archive for February, 2011

I’m all right as of this moment. I think more than anything I’m just trying to enjoy my time with John.

So my fear: that John will allow things to happen or do things that I may be upset about but may be considered tame to others or to him, but makes me uncomfortable

My rationale: It is my choice to ditch him.. I just don’t want to get hurt…and as much as I would ditch him if he did things that made me uncomfortable I don’t want to lose him… because in every other way he’s a great guy…He just likes to make everyone happy :/ at any cost :/ well..at most costs.. not all

This is so stupid lol. Right now is one of those moments I actually feel some clarity with this whole situation. As much as I want to hate his friends, and wished those friends would finally find someone to be with and be happy with, so they can now actually treat John as a friend and not as an outlet for their sexual innuendos and flirting buddy. And of course John, giving them the benefit of the doubt and an assumption they have no interest, just jokes back.

I don’t know what to do. He both makes me happy and bums me out. I mean, if they’re really just joking! Like REALLY just joking then its no big deal I guess…. UGHAsdjkfhajsdfhakdsf “I guess”….meaning I’m still uncomfortable and still unsure and still ajksdfhlaudshfuiaweirasdf

God… did I put in here that I almost starting applying for out of state jobs to run away from everything? yeah to flippin run away!!!!

I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ll keep you updated. I don’t know how to fix myself. Be optimistic? stay positive?

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Quick Update

Thinking about today, I feel like a total schizophrenic… like my thoughts will jump to “Fuck my negative thinking! I’m just going to love him with all my heart and be happy and be with the one I love” to “ugh… I don’t want to get hurt…”

 

I’m all over the place. Maybe I just need sleep! GAH! But that’s it lol. Time time time, waiting it out.

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So somethings have happened in the past couple of weeks, where at first, I just didn’t know what was going on and slowly progressed into something I knew I should be worried about but am mainly just not caring anymore…

A couple weeks ago, I had this sense of calm about me. Or at least that was the word I chose to describe it. I felt fairly good about John having girl friends over at the house, and not even caring when girls were texting/calling him. And then, I thought about how quickly that change came about and I thanked God that he finally granted me the patience and understanding and trust that I’ve been looking for and wanting to have with John. And then I thought about it and I noticed that my feelings for this relationship shifted (in addition to the self believed trust that I had).

I had, essentially, lost that head over heels, youthful, dive in head first without looking love that I had before. I guess the “independent woman in me”, thanks Destiny’s Child, thought “well hey, if the man wants to cheat on you, you deserve better than that and should dump his butt.” And with that thought, came the idea that one day he may be gone. And although this should be a comfort to me, knowing that I could survive the loss of someone I loved so much, it affected my feelings about my relationship. Essentially, I became detached from it, from all emotions.

And this is where Stage 2 of my emotion shifts. After that, my emotions were pretty much gone. I mean like gone! Sure, I smiled when I was suppose to, and laughed when someone made a joke, but during one of those moments where I was laughing, I noticed that I was laughing, but inside I didn’t really know what was funny about it nor did I really feel the gut giggles I was apparently showing my friends. I didn’t feel it deep down and it was like a big punch to the gut. I was sitting down just last Friday with a good group of friends, having a ‘blast’; but when I think back to it, I don’t remember one joke that made me smile or laugh, even though throughout the whole night I was smiling and laughing. and at the end of me laughing, I remember hearing myself and thinking what am I doing?

Anyways, I hear the thoughts circulating in my head and rationalizing the various problems I’ve had with John. For example, I don’t remember if I wrote it down here, but awhile back I found texts on his phone that were innocent enough I guess, but I considered flirtatious. His rationale: These were girls that he knew had no feelings for him, nor him for them. So flirting wasn’t even really flirting, more joking. So I’ve been thinking, just joking right? I should be ok with that. I mean as long as he didn’t really care about them in any other way but platonic friendship, then I should have no issue. But then I think, I don’t want to be with someone that flirts like that, even if it is a joke. I plainly just don’t find it very funny.

And then I think about what these girls find funny, and some of the stunts they pull that they think is just joking around but I just don’t find appropriate at all. Even though John said that that’s not his sense of humor, he can’t control what these girls do. But the thing is, if he continues to hang out with them, and spends the night with a bunch of friends with these girls there, he provides the opportunity for it to happen again. And yeah, I probably shouldn’t punish him for something that may or may not happen, but I don’t even want to chance it anymore. And what’s sad and I hate to admit it because it’s so ugly, is I kind of welcome it to happen so I can just give up. Coz I just don’t have it in me to fight anymore. I’ve never been a fighter. Ever since I was young, I’ve always been the shy, afraid of rejection little girl.

I almost want to turn a blind eye to texts that may be flirtatious (I haven’t looked at his phone since that one time) or him being so sweet to all these girls. I give him the space to hang with his friends and don’t even ask to come along, or say no when he invites me. It’s just uncomfortable now. I don’t want to see it, I don’t want to hear it, I don’t want to know about. If it happens, just let me go. I don’t want to know the details.

 

And with these thoughts…. I know I’m going down a very dangerous path, one that I know can very well ruin and end my relationship. So do I fight or do I just let myself destroy a possibly perfect relationship (caused by my continual thinking and analyzing and analyzing and frikken analyzing and replaying everything over and over again)? A part of me does want to fight…to change the awkward, uncomfortable, passive me. To say this is my man! I love him! I will fight! I will forgive if it does happen! We will talk and figure it out!

But I figure, God has an answer. I will wait it out. It isn’t the first time my emotions ran wild. So we will see how this works out.

 

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Even though Disney is wrong in this instance, I still love you Disney 🙂

Anyways, I’ve had one hell of a week. I have actually been doing REALLY well with the whole ish. It rarely crosses my mind and most of the time, when it does seep into my brain, I easily rationalize it away. But this past week has been a real doozy. Every night I’ve had dreams where John is tickling Mary on a bed, or John is allowing his female classmates to kiss him, or stupid stuff life that. ha! Typing them down makes it sound even MORE stupid. One dream I actually fell asleep in the dream, and ended up waking up in real life, so I couldn’t tell if the dream was real or not. I ended up turning over and looking at John, who was asleep, and had to recap the whole previous day to make sure it was actually a dream!

Anyways, when I woke up I usually ended up just forgetting about the dream. But then I noticed throughout the day when I’d have nothing to do (e.g. driving between jobs, on an errand etc) the dreams would seep into my brain and play over and over in my head. And then the old nasty thoughts would come crawling back. You know that theory you have a devil and an angel on your shoulders? well I really think the devil sat on top of the angel and was yelling into my ear with a blowhorn this past week. Throughout the whole week I just felt so out of it and uncharacteristically melancholy and just sad because these thoughts just kept freaking popping into my head.

Pair up old insecurities, dreams that amplify those insecurities, and then not good rest = a bout of sadness and feelings that shouldn’t be there!!!!!! RAWR!!!

I ended up texting John today while he was studying and he asked how I was doing. I told him that I just feel so out of it. He asked if there was anything he could do and I told him it was just personal issues I needed to work on my own. When he asked what issues, I told him about the dreams that are playing on old insecurities. He then replied:

“Contrary to popular belief, dreams really don’t come true. I love you and only you…and Mel Gibson.”

That’s my John 🙂 Always make me smile. And then he further text me:

“I don’t know how to make you feel better other than just telling you that you are still the girl of my dreams and I’m crazy about you.”

I remember the VERY VERY warm feeling reading that. He’s pretty amazing huh?

Stupid dreams….

Anyways, hopefully tonight will be better. I need a good nights rest!

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