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Archive for January, 2011

Updateage!!!!

So where am I at today? Happy ­čÖé I was singing, loudly, in the car; happy!!!

Anyways, I had a talk with John yesterday. I was telling him how I feel like I’m so much better about the whole jealousy thing. I told him that ultimately, yes he chooses who he is with, and that if he ends up doing stuff that doesn’t make me happy, it’s really my choice whether to stay with him or not. To this he replied that he felt like I’ve gotten more confident and secure in our relationship–knowing that ultimately I will choose what makes me happy and that I will trust in him, and more confident with not being a relationship–meaning that if he did do anything to lose that trust, I’m ok with stepping back and saying this isn’t just for me; which is all ultimately a good thing.

I also told him how I seriously felt like he was attracted to Brittany. I told him that even though he said “no” to being attracted to her when I asked him before, I told him I felt like he “had” to say no so I didn’t worry. He laughed. And then he looked at me and just told he wasn’t attracted to her. I told him I was afraid that since she isn’t the type of girl to get all “weird” when she likes someone, he may just see her being flirty as just being friendly, because that’s her personality. I was afraid because that’s her personality, he wouldn’t think anything of it and just kind of dismiss it when literally, she may be coming onto him. He replied that he wouldn’t let anything happen (Before he had mentioned that touching wasn’t a big deal to him anymore [this is because he is in a school program where massaging and physical contact is part of the norm] and when he said this it threw me off and I’m thinking ok, so he’s just going to let them all over him. But he clarified that there is still a difference between medical touching and flirting/unnecessary touching. So yes…]

So where am I at? Pretty comfortable. I’m happy and comfortable. Am I where I should be? Pretty much I think so. But let’s see where I go from here ­čÖé Wish me luck!

-Just Jazzy Jane

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Allrighty, so it’s been quite awhile since I last posted. However, not much has happened (event wise at least, or relationship changing at least).

 

So where am I in this whole experience? I would definitely say I’m a lot further than where I was at when I began this. I’m more chill about the whole jealousy thing, not rash and jumpy with my emotions. I think it changed after that zenlike post I had at 1 in the morning haha. I think it really was me trying to say John is mine, therefore I need to control what’s going on, when really John is mine because he wants to be with me. Like I said, I do not own John nor he owns me. What I decide to do and how I decide to interact with other people is my choice and not necessarily because he wants me to. I may do things because he may feel a certain way, but in the end its because I chose to take his feelings into consideration that I changed how I acted with people or whatever. And that’s the same for him. He ultimately is the one that chooses how he interacts with people etc.

The thing is, if he decides to be flirtatious and let these girls do things to him that make me feel uncomfortable, even after I told him it makes me feel uncomfortable, there is nothing that I can say anymore that will change. Because simply, John is John. I do not have to put up with it if I don’t want to. No one does. If ultimately, you are unhappy with the whole situation, and no amount of talking or compromising (and I emphasize ┬ácompromising because you will not get your way 100%), you always have the choice to step back and say hey, ya know what, this relationship may not be right at this particular time, or you two may just not be compatible with each other.

Yeah I’ve thought about this. Maybe at this point in time, John and I may not be right for each other. HOWEVER, I think the reason why I’ve been so jumpy and sensitive to how he interacts with other girls is because I’m so ready to categorize him as just another guy that wants to flirt and be with other girls; when ultimately, if you know John, he’s just that really nice guy that wants to make everyone happy. It’s not necessarily that he wants to be with them, though I don’t doubt that he’s been attracted to other girls, but like he once told me, “People will be attracted to other people, you can’t help that. But what you can help is that I know that I’m with you [me :p] so I don’t act on that attraction.” It’s something right? I think what I was hoping for was that I was doing things so well that he never looked at another girl again. Too much to hope for? Maybe? Only a girl’s fairytale dream to have her man tell other people, “ever since I fell in love with her, I haven’t looked at another girl.”

I’ve kind of stepped back from the situation and tried to assess how he is around Brittany, or girls like Mary, and I noticed it’s fairly similar to how he acts around his best guy friend. Except they have an extra X chromosome: which is what makes me feel uncomfortable. I just expect BECAUSE they have that extra X chromosome, there is an underlying sexual current and attraction to their jokes. And there very well may be. But there isn’t anything going on, that I’ve seen, that’s made real warning bells in my head go off. I haven’t checked his phone, or his messages. I just basically decide to trust him. And if I ever do find out that he’s flirting with them or that he’s letting things happen that make me feel uncomfortable, maybe right now he needs to be able to do that kind of thing. We did start dating young, and he never really dated before that, so maybe now that he’s a man, and that he’s starting to become more social, he might be missing out. So if he wants to that kind of stuff, I don’t necessarily need to stick around and cry my eyes out and feel uncomfortable. I know I don’t deserve that and I definitely deserve to be happy.

But we shall see. Just have to trust him right? And if he does do something, well SHITS GOING DOWN! hahaha.

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